For Tiernen (and maybe others)

For those who might be coming late to the party, I found out in April that I’m going to be kicked back to my old part time job at the library by the return of Phil.  Right after that I went for a week to a conference where I was told by lots of senior librarian types that similar jobs with equivalent pay, responsibility and prestige to the one I am currently, temporarily holding are going to be thick on the ground in Army circles in the next few years, provided I stick with the Army and stay flexible.  When I returned after the conference I got the news that Fort Bragg is broke (again), so any changes that may cost us more money (like making me full time) are not welcome.

Basically, this situation is leaving me with a big set of conflicting emotions.  I want to be loyal to my library (and I want to see the changes I was able to bring about actually begin to work) and I’m comfortable here.  I like the people we’re coming to know and the life we’re making for ourselves.  It’s very nice to be recognized and appreciated.  However, I am also ambitious for my future.  I want to excel in my job and be involved in the important work of my profession.  I don’t feel like moving back a step at this point is going to do much to facilitate that.  Also, going back to being lower grade and part time is going to be a big financial hardship for us.  We had been making excellent progress on reducing our debts and I can see it all fading away.

Also, I feel like I’m betraying Tiernen.  He has been very clear about the type of life he wants to live and the type of place he wants to live it in.  For me to excel in my work, I can easily see quite a few more years of moving and living in and around big cities.  This is pretty much the opposite of what he says he wants to do.  Also, there’s the job issue, for him.  It’s hard to keep starting over in new places.  A lot of my colleagues are single (maybe not too surprising, as librarianship tends to attract a fair number of introverted types) and moving for them merely involves packing up the cats and stuff and setting off.  It’s not fair (and that’s a lot of my problem, I WANT things to be fair) to Tiernen to expect him to keep uprooting himself and trying to find a new, passable job in each new place. 

And I’m very angry because my plans are all out of whack again.  I could almost see the tipping point.  We would be able to start getting ahead, maybe even start a family and now it’s either a setback or an upheaval.  I feel like I am a big fool for taking a gamble like this and the only person I have to blame is myself because I walked into this with my eyes wide open.  I feel stupid and betrayed and disappointed and now I have to suck it up and keep on working here.  I’m not so sure I can do that.

I have lots of reasons for wanting to pack it in.  I can see conflict with the big boss, because I’m thinking of bailing on her when Phil comes back and she supported me while he was gone.  I can definitely see conflicts with Phil, because I think he is wrong to come back after the way he left and I’m going to have a hard time working with him knowing his work and management style.  I have a lot of internal conflict about my priorities right now.  I want to go on doing a good job, but I’m finding it hard to focus knowing that it’s all pretty transitory.  So much depends upon what “might” happen that the uncertainty is very stressful.